The Force Awoken

The most wonderful time of the year is upon us, perhaps the most wonderful time of the decade. Last night I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens and it was everything I hoped it would be.

 

A few days ago I was talking to my dad about Star Wars. We reminisced about how much satisfaction my nine year old mind got from the Phantom Menace, which for so many was the start of a methodical destruction of everything they loved about the original trilogy. My dad mentioned that he was so pleased that I had the chance to see a new Star Wars film in the cinema and had enjoyed it so much that he, initially, defended against the tidal wave of criticism it received. It was only after watching it without my apparently infectious childish enthusiasm that he came to terms with his disappointment.

 

With this in mind I began to worry about The Force Awakens. My levels of hype had reached critical mass and the cynic in me was terrified at the possibility that I, like my father before me, had become more nostalgia than man and enjoyed my memories of Star Wars more than I would enjoy a possibly shaky return to the saga.

 

I shouldn’t have worried.

 

I was concerned that another false dawn for Star Wars, another Attack of the Clones, would result in some kind of civil unrest in the nerd world, dirty protests across the internet. However J.J. Abrams need not be concerned about being forever branded Jar Jar Abrams, The Force Awakens was everything the prequels should have been.

 

It reintroduced us to our favourite characters, introduced us to some new ones, it was funny, it was warm, it was scary, it was a fantastic adventure. It was Star Wars.

 

Real, actual Star Wars. For the first time since 1983, we have a real Star Wars experience.

 

I have begun to wonder if at some point George Lucas became the God that Jeff Goldblum referenced in Jurassic Park. George creates Star Wars, George destroys Star Wars, Disney destroys George, Disney creates Star Wars.

 

Not Problems with Thrones 8: The future and the past.

Season 6 also promises the return of Bran Stark and his loveable companions Meera, Hodor, his direwolf Summer, the ever affable Hodor and Tree Dumbledore. Of course, Tree Dumbledore wasn’t popular with everyone, show-only people thought the Three-Eyed Raven who had been hyped up since Season One was as disappointing as a man in a tree can be. Book readers were utterly baffled. Apparently the reason he looked so rubbish was because they simply ran out of money, so the solution became shoving an old man in a tree and hoping for the best.

However, the announcement that Max Von Sydow will be playing the Three-Eyed Raven in Season 6 has reignited the meek flames of cautious optimism. Those who are familiar with the books and all their attached lore may have worked out that said Raven seems to be startlingly similar to an occasionally mentioned former Hand of the King from years gone by. Brynden “Bloodraven” Rivers is one of the most fascinating characters in the whole series, so the selection of the ever-intimidating Von Sydow bodes well.

This story could be the one that gets to the root of the big white elephant that lies beyond the closet. What are the White Walkers/Others? What do they want? And why are such odd, cold, mythical creatures wearing leather outfits that wouldn’t be out of place in the Matrix?

This is also likely to be the storyline that will introduce consistent flashbacks to the series, which is just fine. In fact, it’s about time. Bran exploring his powers of sight and looking into his family’s past could provide a great platform for unveiling Jon Snow’s parentage, at long last.

Details appeared online about a set and a cast of characters that suggests we might finally get a look at how Ned Stark came across his beloved bastard. In lieu of a new book, this is one of the most exciting developments in years for readers. This, if done correctly, will bring to life one of the most integral parts of the mystery at the heart of Game of Thrones, what happened at the Tower of Joy.

Again, this seems like something that would be difficult to get wrong. Please do not get it wrong. Please.

Not Problems with Thrones 7: The Future

Seven is a sacred number in the Game of Thrones universe, this surely bodes well?

Although the season ended on a fairly ineffectual cliff-hanger as was on a whole slightly rubbish, every Thrones fan has already began some intense speculation on what Season 6 might have to offer to heal our wounds. Thanks to some of those jewels of the internet, those committed keyboard warriors who find casting calls, sleuth out filming locations and generally keep their ear so close to the ground that they could hear a T.Rex dragging its feet, we do have some interesting details on next season.

A lot of fans have been a touch frustrated by the lack of further Greyjoy mischief. Theon Greyjoy has been in full on Reek mode for a while now, but his family have been nowhere to be seen. Not since his sister Yara and her team of the best killers in Westeros were easily swatted aside by a shirtless Bastard have we seen or heard from Theon’s beloved family. It does seem odd that the show runners included a scene in Season 3 where the Lady in Red, Stannis’s advisor Melisandre assured her King that Balon Greyjoy, Theon’s father, would soon be dead.

He hasn’t been on screen since. So we must assume he’s still alive and grumbling. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that’s fine, because now is the time to redeem this dropping of the ball.

Early casting suggests that the show runners are looking for a lot of angry Viking type people, which fits the bill for the angry, Viking type Greyjoy family.

It’s tempting to say that the Greyjoy’s and their book storyline is a perfect fit for the show, a lot of violence and intrigue in prospect. But, as the Sand Snakes taught us, this doesn’t guarantee success. Still though, it would be a fantastic addition to the show if we got even a streamlined version of the Iron Island’s story.

Arya Stark’s adventures in Braavos also look ready to jump up a notch. Her story in Season 5 concluded with her losing her eyesight so she can learn some more tricky Faceless Man behaviour. Masie Williams had another outstanding season last year, she got to cut someone’s eyes out! Her growth as an actor remains one of the most consistently enjoyable things about the series, matching the progression of her character of mischievous Lord’s daughter to a mischievous ultra murderer.

Problems with Thrones 6: Not Problems

I’ve whined a lot (a lot) about what I perceived to be wrong with Season 5 of Game of Thrones. Every fan base these days has a voice and an overwhelming amount of what that voice says seems to be negative, like a Mark Lawrenson doll complete with pull string. I realise I’m not exception to this. It’s easy to get stuck in the negative, especially when talking about something like Game of Thrones which has such sublime source material and a committed, totally insane fan base.

In all seriousness, if the next book doesn’t come out before Season 6 I predict thousands of fans will enter some kind of fugue state and in a horrible twist of fate be rendered unable to read or ride a bicycle when The Winds of Winter is finally released in autumn 2028.

So with all this in mind, what was right with Game of Thrones Season 5?

The acting.

As usual the majority of the cast were absolutely stellar. Even when given mediocre scripts to work with Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and Jerome Flynn (Jaime Lannister and Bronn respectively) managed to put together some good, comedic scenes and build a buddy cop movie style rapport. And they finally shoe horned some Jerome Flynn singing in, which was long overdue.

Alfie Allen was also involved with some fairly uneven scripts. His character arc should have been pretty obvious to play out, him eventually remembering who he is and standing up against his oppressors seemed fairly straight forward. But when it came, it just kind of happened and that was that. Despite that, his portrayal of Theon Greyjoy/Reek was typically excellent and hopefully he’ll have more to do next season.

Lena Headey continues to be an excellent Cersei Lannister, capturing her arrogant disinterest in anyone else’s opinion until her incredible fall from grace. This season she started facing up to her new political adversary Maragary Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) in typical hilarious Cersei fashion. Dormer too, was great this season. The dynamic between the Queens new and old was one of the real bright sparks of this season.

At this point Peter Dinklage can basically do no wrong in the eyes of show viewers. And that’s just fine. His performance as Tyrion has become so comfortable that he could have a spin off where he moves to Seattle to host a King’s Hand radio show and it would run for a decade.

It’s fair to say that Kit Harrington’s Jon Snow stole the headlines this year and while that’s a saga in itself, this was his strongest season as the Bastard in black yet. It will be interesting to see how his character changes upon his return next season, it just wouldn’t be Thrones if he was resurrected and that was that. He absolutely has to come back with some horrible twist. Maybe his brain is stuck in his wolf’s body while Ghost’s mind will transfer to Jon’s and his former brothers will stare in amazement as their Lord Commander reanimates in front of their eyes and starts howling at the moon before slobbering gleefully all over Sam.

But that won’t happen because the show has forgotten Jon has a wolf.

Still bitter.

Still bitter.

Problems with Thrones 5: The Bad Pussy

At least Jerome Flynn got to sing. That’s about all we got out of Dorne that didn’t make me want to sob into The World of Ice and Fire.

Tyne Sand, as mentioned previously, should have been fairly straight forward. And she was. We know she likes poison and, probably, sex. But beyond that, why does she exist? Why did any of this exist?

During the impossibly bizarre scene where Jaime and sidekick Bronn tried to rescue Jaime’s neicedaughter Princess Myrcella by walking up to her and asking her to come with them for no real reason, a fight suddenly breaks out between the Snakes and Jaime/Bronn. A terrible fight that ends when Dorne’s guards appear from nowhere to do a job they should have been doing ten minutes ago. During the fight, particularly geeky viewers will have spotted with some fear that Bronn got cut during the fight. The Hardcore know that the SS like, as their father did, to poison their enemies.

Was the loveable, plucky underdog Bronn about to die? Well, he was poisoned. And he did start to die for a bit. But then came an unnecessary scene where Bronn was spared from his fate by a topless Tyne in the cell opposite his. She offered him the antidote for the poison because she was pleased that he liked her breasts.

So an uncomfortable sort of romance had begun, had it? Sort of?

Eventually, political issues between Jaime and Oberyn’s brother, Prince Doran, the leader of the Dornish were resolved. Jaime was free to take his daughterneice home along with her betrothed, Prince Trystane, Doran’s son. As the rescuers left Dorne Under, Tyne gave her new squeeze Ser Bronn a parting kiss and uttered THAT LINE.

“You want the bad pussy”

Never has a quote felt more out of place on a series. Almost too obvious for a pornographic film, just cringeworthy.

So everything went well then? Apart from the fact that all of that was basically unnecessary, yes.

And oh yes, there was another Sand Snake, but she had very few lines and did nothing of consequence.

Problems with Thrones 4: Whip it Real Good

It is said that first impressions are everything. The first impression we got of Ellaria and her Snakes was not good. They were introduced on a fairly rubbish looking set. Some sand dunes and a weird, half finished gazebo were the back drop for an underwhelming introduction. The set looked like it had been put together for about a tenner.

Then came the dialogue. We knew that at least one of the Snakes would be a borderline porn star, but choosing a porn writer to put together all their dialogue was an unprecedented disaster. “You want the bad pussy” is perilously close to going down as the moment GoT jumped the shark. It was terrible.

Back to the opening scene, it wasn’t just that the dialogue was bad, it’s that it was offensively, condescendingly bad. Obara Sand, the warrior type Sand Snake (The Sand Snakes, like Pokemon, have types) was particularly awful. When asked what she felt about murdering up some Lannisters she went into this rant that only lasted for about 25 seconds but felt like it may never end. It was brutally expository dialogue. The kind of thing that people just wouldn’t say to other humans without being met with rolled eyes, exhausted sighs and possibly total renal failure. Here it is:

“When I was a child, Oberyn came to take me to court. I’d never seen this man and yet he called himself my father. My mother wept, said I was too young and a girl. Oberyn tossed his spear at my feet and said: ‘Girl or boy, we fight our battles. But the gods let us choose our weapons’. My father pointed to the spear and then to my mother’s tears. “

*Launches spear through ship captains head*

“I made my choice long ago”.

Now, this was obviously for the audience’s benefit, explaining, if it wasn’t obvious, that she is Oberyn’s daughter, she likes spears and she is Oberyn’s daughter, the daughter of Oberyn Martell, Prince of Dorne, Oberyn “Red Viper” Martell, whose head was crushed last season, that Oberyn. Oberyn Martell. Oberyn.

So she explained this to her beloved sisters, whom she is probably at least moderately familiar with and understand who she is. Why did it have to be this stroke-inducingly obvious? It would have been great if this speech was met by “we’ve heard this Obara, we hear it every Christmas and every time you have too much of the Arbor’s finest”, but sadly, it wasn’t. And it didn’t get better for her character really. While her sisters and herself in particular are meant to be notorious killers, their fight scenes look like they were choreographed by Star Wars kid, dancing whirling messes that for some reason include a whip.

Tyne Sand, meanwhile, was set up to be a loveable sex pot poison expert. Like someone Sean Connery’s James Bond would treat harshly and then have semi consensual sex with as she slowly released her grip on a vial of poison before letting it drop to the floor next to the bed. Surely they could get this one right, how hard could it be?

Problems with Thrones 3: Dorne

Since last season’s introduction of Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper of Dorne, who won our hearts with his passion, his sense of righteousness, his hunt for justice and his loose sexual morals. He was custom designed to appeal to fans of Thrones. This of course meant that he had to die. He was looking for justice, he came to the wrong place. Since his demise fans have been eagerly anticipating a closer look at his home, the southern most point of Westeros: Dorne. It felt reasonable to expect some more sexy, mysterious, murderous characters who have a lust for revenge and a more broad, traditional lust on top of that.

What we got instead was like South Park followed up their original Thrones parody with a Dorne exclusive episode. Surely this show that focuses so heavily on production value must have accidentally sent the B-team to shoot and script these scenes.

We were introduced to Oberyn’s famous bastard daughters, the Sand Snakes. He is known to have an exhausting eight daughters, but we only met three. Which is fine. In fact, more than enough. Oberyn’s widowed paramour (Can paramours be widowed?) Ellaria led the campaign for revenge on the Lannisters. Normally, this would be fairly easy to get behind. But Ellaria and the Sand Snakes were so irritating that it was virtually impossible to care. And if you could muster a single feeling, it was that you wanted them to fail and disappear into obscurity like Jedward or the BNP.

Even in the books the Sand Snakes are fairly cartoony, a troupe of murderous assassins that came out of an early draft of Kill Bill. Going into Season 5 it was obvious that HBO would love these characters, they could sex them up and have some good scenes of inter gender murder. Seduction, sex and suspicious poisons. It would be great.

It wasn’t.

True Detective: Season 2 So far.

True Detective crept back onto our screens last week after what seems like a long absence. But then time is a something something.

Season two was always going to be a huge change, introducing a whole new cast into a new setting was a particularly bold move after the huge success of the Matthew McConaughey/Woody Harrelson led first season.

Right at the peak of the McConaissance, True Detective season one was great television that came at the perfect time. Just long enough to flesh out a complete story that didn’t need a sequel, prequel or reboot and just short enough to leave the audience wanting more.

Season one’s dreary Louisiana backdrop became almost a character in itself, a perfect setting for some creepy, borderline supernatural stuff.

Season two takes us to an LA suburb, a sweaty looking corrupt venue for some sweaty corruption to thrive in, where psychiatrists wear sunglasses indoors and David Morse has long, flowing locks of grey hair.

Creator and writer Nick Pizzolatto obviously felt this story was too rich for only two lead detectives, or possibly felt that four leads would be necessary to fill the McConaughey/Harrelson void. Colin Farrel, Rachel McAdams, Vince Vaughn and Taylor Kitsch have stepped up.

Colin Farrell has so far been doing his best to replace McConaughey’s bleary eyed Rust Cohle, who captured the young hearts of the world. He’s looking disheveled, shabby and unwell, complete with horrible moustache, it’s all good stuff. Rachel McAdams has gone as far out of her romantic comedy comfort zone (romcomcomzon) as she ever has. Taylor Kitsch is looking moody and his character seems to have some kind of sexual issues that contrast nicely with his mega hunk image. And Vince Vaughn is Vince Vaughn.

So distractingly Vince Vaughn. He’s looked hungover for about a decade now, so in comparison to his grunged up co-stars, he just looks like Vince Vaughn.

But it must be said that he’s starting to find his groove, flexing acting muscles that he hasn’t used in some time. It’s easy to forget that beneath Fred Claus beats the heart of an actor capable of so much more than talking fast and being so money he doesn’t even know it.

It’s understandable that some people haven’t been taken in by Season Two yet. There are several more characters whose plots need to intertwine and the audience need patience. But in the world of smart phones, tablets and attention spans just long enough to ask “Who is that? What are they doing? I don’t like this, it’s too complicated.” before returning to perusing twitter, sometimes a series has to do something shocking.

SPOILER ALERT

Having a man in some kind of raven mask seemingly kill Colin Farrel’s Detective Ray Velcoro in the final scene of episode two was pretty shocking. It certainly got the internet fired up with theories. A number of them centered on that creepy Raven picture in the office of that odd psychiatrist. Whether or not he’s really gone will have to wait till next week but until then, let the speculation run wild.

A slow but promising start has just become a tad more exciting.

Problems with Thrones 2: Bad Bastard

On paper, he sounds like a perfect villain, so what went wrong when he scrambled onto the screen?

In the show, Ramsay Bolton has become a kind of amalgamation of Napoleon and Wolf from Gladiators. An unrivaled tactician and an unstoppable force in shirtless combat.

Quite where he developed these particular skills in his years in the wilderness of Bastardom, we don’t know.

Season 3’s climax had Theon Greyjoy’s family discover that they’re son/brother/Prince had been captured and mutilated. So naturally these people, who are effectively vikings, decided it was time to get real with Rams. Theon’s sister Yara picked the Island’s best fighters and announced her intention to storm the Dreadfort, the castle of the Boltons and reclaim their Prince and dish out some revenge.

However Ramsay basically sorted them all out single handedly. Shirtless. It was the first time Game of Thrones decided to bin the realism and go all out video game in a scene that felt wildly out of place in this universe, which had previously relied so heavily on realism. And dragons, but whatever.

Since then, he’s had numerous schemes, each one going off without a hitch. He and “20. Good. Men.” demolished Stannis Baratheon’s army of thousands with apparent ease. The same Stannis who we are constantly reminded is the most seasoned battle commander in the series.

He also seems to possess the finest PR team in Westeros. Supremely knowledgeable pantomime villain, Petyr “LittleFinger” Baelish claimed he knew nothing of Ramsay’s exploits with the flaying and the raping and what not. He felt so secure with the bold Ramsay, that he left the apple of his eye, his uncomfortable crush, Sansa Stark in the possession of Ramsay, who inevitably raped her after forcing her into marriage. This introduced us to the fifth consecutive year of the Game Within a Game: Sansa in Peril.

This was a particularly hard to watch scene. Of course, many thought that it would all be remedied at the end of the season and the horrifying scene was there for a reason. And it was. It was there because David and Dan wanted it to be there. That was it.

Those who remain unwaveringly loyal to the show think it is all set up to make it even more satisfying when he finally fails, which will probably take a combined effort of Optimus Prime and the A-Team. Maybe they’re right, maybe it is all set up to see him eventually fail at something, anything. The damage is done though, the show that so brutally lived and died by the rules it set for itself broke them for the Bastard.

Problems with Thrones 1: The Bastard

Bastards are a big part of the Game of Thrones universe. Indeed Jon Snow, who many see as the main character, is a bastard. His mysterious parentage makes up a great deal of the intrigue in the series, particularly where the books are concerned. The fact he is yet to discover who his mother (and father) are, means that he must return in some form next season. Otherwise, what’s the point?

This Snow aside though, Ramsay Bolton has spent his whole on screen existence being a bastard, both literally and figuratively. Roose Bolton who betrayed the much loved Robb Stark in Season 3’s Red Wedding, fathered Ramsay before the events of the series started. And since then he’s been nothing but trouble in the show and the books.

In the books he’s a fairly primitive creature, often described as having a “low cunning” that allows him to come up with the odd scheme here and there. And occasionally allows him to do something as unwholesome as flaying people or increase his standing in society. Sometimes he does both, it’s a complicated world.

Previously Ramsay has been a peculiar nuisance, challenging viewers by punishing the one time villain Theon Greyjoy for betraying the Starks. But his brutal punishment was enough to make viewers wonder if they really wanted to see this. Ramsay was more than a psychopath, but was charismatically portrayed by former Misfit Iwan Rheon. His introductory season was all good stuff. All good, disgusting, abhorrent stuff. Exactly what it should have been.

Since then however, David Benioff and Dan Weiss have acted out the cathartic Purple Wedding. Another wedding, another dead King. This time, the boy King we all loved to hate Joffrey Baratheon/Lannister was well and truly killed off, in purple faced oozing delight. While this delighted sadistic show watchers, they needed a new villain.

Up steps Ramsay.

The Bastard of the Dreadfort was an ideal candidate, he’s terrifying in the books, he’s pure evil, he’s got big fat wormy lips and he’s propped up by his powerful father. He’s the total scumbag package. He wouldn’t be out of place in the Bullingdon club or the Republican primaries.

So he sounds like a good fit, what’s the problem? That’s next.