Not Problems with Thrones 8: The future and the past.

Season 6 also promises the return of Bran Stark and his loveable companions Meera, Hodor, his direwolf Summer, the ever affable Hodor and Tree Dumbledore. Of course, Tree Dumbledore wasn’t popular with everyone, show-only people thought the Three-Eyed Raven who had been hyped up since Season One was as disappointing as a man in a tree can be. Book readers were utterly baffled. Apparently the reason he looked so rubbish was because they simply ran out of money, so the solution became shoving an old man in a tree and hoping for the best.

However, the announcement that Max Von Sydow will be playing the Three-Eyed Raven in Season 6 has reignited the meek flames of cautious optimism. Those who are familiar with the books and all their attached lore may have worked out that said Raven seems to be startlingly similar to an occasionally mentioned former Hand of the King from years gone by. Brynden “Bloodraven” Rivers is one of the most fascinating characters in the whole series, so the selection of the ever-intimidating Von Sydow bodes well.

This story could be the one that gets to the root of the big white elephant that lies beyond the closet. What are the White Walkers/Others? What do they want? And why are such odd, cold, mythical creatures wearing leather outfits that wouldn’t be out of place in the Matrix?

This is also likely to be the storyline that will introduce consistent flashbacks to the series, which is just fine. In fact, it’s about time. Bran exploring his powers of sight and looking into his family’s past could provide a great platform for unveiling Jon Snow’s parentage, at long last.

Details appeared online about a set and a cast of characters that suggests we might finally get a look at how Ned Stark came across his beloved bastard. In lieu of a new book, this is one of the most exciting developments in years for readers. This, if done correctly, will bring to life one of the most integral parts of the mystery at the heart of Game of Thrones, what happened at the Tower of Joy.

Again, this seems like something that would be difficult to get wrong. Please do not get it wrong. Please.

Not Problems with Thrones 7: The Future

Seven is a sacred number in the Game of Thrones universe, this surely bodes well?

Although the season ended on a fairly ineffectual cliff-hanger as was on a whole slightly rubbish, every Thrones fan has already began some intense speculation on what Season 6 might have to offer to heal our wounds. Thanks to some of those jewels of the internet, those committed keyboard warriors who find casting calls, sleuth out filming locations and generally keep their ear so close to the ground that they could hear a T.Rex dragging its feet, we do have some interesting details on next season.

A lot of fans have been a touch frustrated by the lack of further Greyjoy mischief. Theon Greyjoy has been in full on Reek mode for a while now, but his family have been nowhere to be seen. Not since his sister Yara and her team of the best killers in Westeros were easily swatted aside by a shirtless Bastard have we seen or heard from Theon’s beloved family. It does seem odd that the show runners included a scene in Season 3 where the Lady in Red, Stannis’s advisor Melisandre assured her King that Balon Greyjoy, Theon’s father, would soon be dead.

He hasn’t been on screen since. So we must assume he’s still alive and grumbling. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that’s fine, because now is the time to redeem this dropping of the ball.

Early casting suggests that the show runners are looking for a lot of angry Viking type people, which fits the bill for the angry, Viking type Greyjoy family.

It’s tempting to say that the Greyjoy’s and their book storyline is a perfect fit for the show, a lot of violence and intrigue in prospect. But, as the Sand Snakes taught us, this doesn’t guarantee success. Still though, it would be a fantastic addition to the show if we got even a streamlined version of the Iron Island’s story.

Arya Stark’s adventures in Braavos also look ready to jump up a notch. Her story in Season 5 concluded with her losing her eyesight so she can learn some more tricky Faceless Man behaviour. Masie Williams had another outstanding season last year, she got to cut someone’s eyes out! Her growth as an actor remains one of the most consistently enjoyable things about the series, matching the progression of her character of mischievous Lord’s daughter to a mischievous ultra murderer.

Problems with Thrones 5: The Bad Pussy

At least Jerome Flynn got to sing. That’s about all we got out of Dorne that didn’t make me want to sob into The World of Ice and Fire.

Tyne Sand, as mentioned previously, should have been fairly straight forward. And she was. We know she likes poison and, probably, sex. But beyond that, why does she exist? Why did any of this exist?

During the impossibly bizarre scene where Jaime and sidekick Bronn tried to rescue Jaime’s neicedaughter Princess Myrcella by walking up to her and asking her to come with them for no real reason, a fight suddenly breaks out between the Snakes and Jaime/Bronn. A terrible fight that ends when Dorne’s guards appear from nowhere to do a job they should have been doing ten minutes ago. During the fight, particularly geeky viewers will have spotted with some fear that Bronn got cut during the fight. The Hardcore know that the SS like, as their father did, to poison their enemies.

Was the loveable, plucky underdog Bronn about to die? Well, he was poisoned. And he did start to die for a bit. But then came an unnecessary scene where Bronn was spared from his fate by a topless Tyne in the cell opposite his. She offered him the antidote for the poison because she was pleased that he liked her breasts.

So an uncomfortable sort of romance had begun, had it? Sort of?

Eventually, political issues between Jaime and Oberyn’s brother, Prince Doran, the leader of the Dornish were resolved. Jaime was free to take his daughterneice home along with her betrothed, Prince Trystane, Doran’s son. As the rescuers left Dorne Under, Tyne gave her new squeeze Ser Bronn a parting kiss and uttered THAT LINE.

“You want the bad pussy”

Never has a quote felt more out of place on a series. Almost too obvious for a pornographic film, just cringeworthy.

So everything went well then? Apart from the fact that all of that was basically unnecessary, yes.

And oh yes, there was another Sand Snake, but she had very few lines and did nothing of consequence.

Problems with Thrones 4: Whip it Real Good

It is said that first impressions are everything. The first impression we got of Ellaria and her Snakes was not good. They were introduced on a fairly rubbish looking set. Some sand dunes and a weird, half finished gazebo were the back drop for an underwhelming introduction. The set looked like it had been put together for about a tenner.

Then came the dialogue. We knew that at least one of the Snakes would be a borderline porn star, but choosing a porn writer to put together all their dialogue was an unprecedented disaster. “You want the bad pussy” is perilously close to going down as the moment GoT jumped the shark. It was terrible.

Back to the opening scene, it wasn’t just that the dialogue was bad, it’s that it was offensively, condescendingly bad. Obara Sand, the warrior type Sand Snake (The Sand Snakes, like Pokemon, have types) was particularly awful. When asked what she felt about murdering up some Lannisters she went into this rant that only lasted for about 25 seconds but felt like it may never end. It was brutally expository dialogue. The kind of thing that people just wouldn’t say to other humans without being met with rolled eyes, exhausted sighs and possibly total renal failure. Here it is:

“When I was a child, Oberyn came to take me to court. I’d never seen this man and yet he called himself my father. My mother wept, said I was too young and a girl. Oberyn tossed his spear at my feet and said: ‘Girl or boy, we fight our battles. But the gods let us choose our weapons’. My father pointed to the spear and then to my mother’s tears. “

*Launches spear through ship captains head*

“I made my choice long ago”.

Now, this was obviously for the audience’s benefit, explaining, if it wasn’t obvious, that she is Oberyn’s daughter, she likes spears and she is Oberyn’s daughter, the daughter of Oberyn Martell, Prince of Dorne, Oberyn “Red Viper” Martell, whose head was crushed last season, that Oberyn. Oberyn Martell. Oberyn.

So she explained this to her beloved sisters, whom she is probably at least moderately familiar with and understand who she is. Why did it have to be this stroke-inducingly obvious? It would have been great if this speech was met by “we’ve heard this Obara, we hear it every Christmas and every time you have too much of the Arbor’s finest”, but sadly, it wasn’t. And it didn’t get better for her character really. While her sisters and herself in particular are meant to be notorious killers, their fight scenes look like they were choreographed by Star Wars kid, dancing whirling messes that for some reason include a whip.

Tyne Sand, meanwhile, was set up to be a loveable sex pot poison expert. Like someone Sean Connery’s James Bond would treat harshly and then have semi consensual sex with as she slowly released her grip on a vial of poison before letting it drop to the floor next to the bed. Surely they could get this one right, how hard could it be?

Problems with Thrones 3: Dorne

Since last season’s introduction of Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper of Dorne, who won our hearts with his passion, his sense of righteousness, his hunt for justice and his loose sexual morals. He was custom designed to appeal to fans of Thrones. This of course meant that he had to die. He was looking for justice, he came to the wrong place. Since his demise fans have been eagerly anticipating a closer look at his home, the southern most point of Westeros: Dorne. It felt reasonable to expect some more sexy, mysterious, murderous characters who have a lust for revenge and a more broad, traditional lust on top of that.

What we got instead was like South Park followed up their original Thrones parody with a Dorne exclusive episode. Surely this show that focuses so heavily on production value must have accidentally sent the B-team to shoot and script these scenes.

We were introduced to Oberyn’s famous bastard daughters, the Sand Snakes. He is known to have an exhausting eight daughters, but we only met three. Which is fine. In fact, more than enough. Oberyn’s widowed paramour (Can paramours be widowed?) Ellaria led the campaign for revenge on the Lannisters. Normally, this would be fairly easy to get behind. But Ellaria and the Sand Snakes were so irritating that it was virtually impossible to care. And if you could muster a single feeling, it was that you wanted them to fail and disappear into obscurity like Jedward or the BNP.

Even in the books the Sand Snakes are fairly cartoony, a troupe of murderous assassins that came out of an early draft of Kill Bill. Going into Season 5 it was obvious that HBO would love these characters, they could sex them up and have some good scenes of inter gender murder. Seduction, sex and suspicious poisons. It would be great.

It wasn’t.

Problems with Thrones 2: Bad Bastard

On paper, he sounds like a perfect villain, so what went wrong when he scrambled onto the screen?

In the show, Ramsay Bolton has become a kind of amalgamation of Napoleon and Wolf from Gladiators. An unrivaled tactician and an unstoppable force in shirtless combat.

Quite where he developed these particular skills in his years in the wilderness of Bastardom, we don’t know.

Season 3’s climax had Theon Greyjoy’s family discover that they’re son/brother/Prince had been captured and mutilated. So naturally these people, who are effectively vikings, decided it was time to get real with Rams. Theon’s sister Yara picked the Island’s best fighters and announced her intention to storm the Dreadfort, the castle of the Boltons and reclaim their Prince and dish out some revenge.

However Ramsay basically sorted them all out single handedly. Shirtless. It was the first time Game of Thrones decided to bin the realism and go all out video game in a scene that felt wildly out of place in this universe, which had previously relied so heavily on realism. And dragons, but whatever.

Since then, he’s had numerous schemes, each one going off without a hitch. He and “20. Good. Men.” demolished Stannis Baratheon’s army of thousands with apparent ease. The same Stannis who we are constantly reminded is the most seasoned battle commander in the series.

He also seems to possess the finest PR team in Westeros. Supremely knowledgeable pantomime villain, Petyr “LittleFinger” Baelish claimed he knew nothing of Ramsay’s exploits with the flaying and the raping and what not. He felt so secure with the bold Ramsay, that he left the apple of his eye, his uncomfortable crush, Sansa Stark in the possession of Ramsay, who inevitably raped her after forcing her into marriage. This introduced us to the fifth consecutive year of the Game Within a Game: Sansa in Peril.

This was a particularly hard to watch scene. Of course, many thought that it would all be remedied at the end of the season and the horrifying scene was there for a reason. And it was. It was there because David and Dan wanted it to be there. That was it.

Those who remain unwaveringly loyal to the show think it is all set up to make it even more satisfying when he finally fails, which will probably take a combined effort of Optimus Prime and the A-Team. Maybe they’re right, maybe it is all set up to see him eventually fail at something, anything. The damage is done though, the show that so brutally lived and died by the rules it set for itself broke them for the Bastard.

Problems with Thrones 1: The Bastard

Bastards are a big part of the Game of Thrones universe. Indeed Jon Snow, who many see as the main character, is a bastard. His mysterious parentage makes up a great deal of the intrigue in the series, particularly where the books are concerned. The fact he is yet to discover who his mother (and father) are, means that he must return in some form next season. Otherwise, what’s the point?

This Snow aside though, Ramsay Bolton has spent his whole on screen existence being a bastard, both literally and figuratively. Roose Bolton who betrayed the much loved Robb Stark in Season 3’s Red Wedding, fathered Ramsay before the events of the series started. And since then he’s been nothing but trouble in the show and the books.

In the books he’s a fairly primitive creature, often described as having a “low cunning” that allows him to come up with the odd scheme here and there. And occasionally allows him to do something as unwholesome as flaying people or increase his standing in society. Sometimes he does both, it’s a complicated world.

Previously Ramsay has been a peculiar nuisance, challenging viewers by punishing the one time villain Theon Greyjoy for betraying the Starks. But his brutal punishment was enough to make viewers wonder if they really wanted to see this. Ramsay was more than a psychopath, but was charismatically portrayed by former Misfit Iwan Rheon. His introductory season was all good stuff. All good, disgusting, abhorrent stuff. Exactly what it should have been.

Since then however, David Benioff and Dan Weiss have acted out the cathartic Purple Wedding. Another wedding, another dead King. This time, the boy King we all loved to hate Joffrey Baratheon/Lannister was well and truly killed off, in purple faced oozing delight. While this delighted sadistic show watchers, they needed a new villain.

Up steps Ramsay.

The Bastard of the Dreadfort was an ideal candidate, he’s terrifying in the books, he’s pure evil, he’s got big fat wormy lips and he’s propped up by his powerful father. He’s the total scumbag package. He wouldn’t be out of place in the Bullingdon club or the Republican primaries.

So he sounds like a good fit, what’s the problem? That’s next.

Game of Thrones Season 5 Finale: Mother’s Mercy. A Disappointing End to a Disappointing Season.

It was a pretty rubbish season of Thrones this year. After a hype campaign that included 1 billion mentions of the TV series finally overtaking the books, we were treated to a fairly unsurprising and wildly uneven few hours of television.

Despite one episode (Ep8, Hardhome) which stood head and shoulders above the rest, up there with the best of the entire series, Season 5 had some outright boring episodes, a first for this show, and some incredibly frustrating plots that took us on an unsurprising journey of non-discovery.

Every book reader knew that Jon Snow’s temporary death would have viewers up in arms, tweeting about how they’ll never watch the show again, but not every book reader anticipated some of the extraordinary changes the show runners Dan Weiss and David Benioff would introduce, or the lacklustre way they would execute one of the book’s most shocking twists.

In fairness, GoT is still a well above average show, but this seasons problems were so unusually diverse that they deserve there own, hopefully brief analysis.

A lot of the changes to the early seasons were welcomed and even impressive, streamlining an incredibly complicated story into something fit for TV, without neglecting some fairly challenging character development and plot twists. However this season the two Ds were almost completely alone, only a few story lines from the books were left for them to cling on to in the frozen waters of uncertainty.  The plots in Braavos, King’s Landing and The Wall required few changes from what George R.R. Martin had already written in the books. So we knew they were safe, basically. In fact, Jon Snow’s story at the Wall had some fantastic editions. His eventful trip to Hardhome was excellent, his show-only interactions with Davos Seaworth were a nice edition that book fans have fantasy written themselves for years. They also seemed to finally get around to some hints regarding Jon’s parentage, something the show has neglected for a while.

In the books, much is made of who is or was Jon’s mother, with some hints laced throughout the novels that the beloved Ned Stark is not his true father. So it was a relief when we started to hear hints on the screen that there may be more to the Bastard of Winterfell than meets the eye.

King’s Landing too, was a generally decent few hours of television. The sets are continuing to expand and now Westeros’s capital city looks full and alive while the the cast continue to excel.

The first episode of this season “The Wars to Come” lacked the usual punch of the first episode back. Only the final scene at the Wall and Tyrion’s pukey introduction to Pentos felt like proper Thrones. This feeling of getting it about half, or a third, right would repeat itself throughout the season.